For those of you who have followed along in previous posts, you'll know that finding a venue and finding a dress were the top two things I was dreading the most about planning this wedding. We found the venue, but I still had to find a dress. Just writing about this makes the contents of my stomach want to make a run for it.
To make matters worse, MacGyver has very specific ideas in his mind about how my dress must look. I'll pause here to explain that since we've been dating, MacGyver has mentioned repeatedly that if we ever did get married, there would be rules for the wedding. The person marrying us must be male, and older (gray hair at least). The ceremony would have to be outside so that we could have outdoor photos. And my dress must be white. Not off-white, not ivory, not mother-of-pearl, but white. Those of you who know me in person know that my skin tone rivals that of an albino cave dweller. I'm also not a size 0.
I have this recurring dream that my wedding photos will look something like this:
"Well there's something you don't see everyday."
Exactly.
MacGyver finally conceded that my dress could potentially be an ivory color, so long as it didn't look "dingy". Good grief.
I was originally going to go look for a dress by myself, with no audience. That way I could be as grumpy as I wanted and the only person I'd piss off would be the person who is getting paid to be nice to me. But my mom talked me into waiting so she could come, and I'm glad she did. One of my dearest friends (who got married the day before we got engaged) was also able to come, and I'm glad she was there too.
I woke up at 4:00 that morning. (I may have been a bit stressed...) On a whim, and because apparently I'm a bit masochistic first thing in the morning, I decided to try on a dress I bought at David's Bridal a few years ago to see if it still fit. Miraculously, it did! Hope reigns supreme!
I decided since I was already up, I would head out a little early to my parents' house where I was going to meet my mom. It was Memorial Day weekend so I knew that every police officer in the state of Oregon would be out and about looking for people to pull over. Which meant that I needed to Stay Alive at 55.
You can imagine my chagrin when I blew past the first police officer about 30 miles into my trip. I won't say how fast I was going (fifth amendment, etc.), but it was a holiday weekend which meant that anything over the posted speed limit was a ticketable offense. When that fine upstanding law enforcement official did not pursue me and pull me over, I sent a silent prayer of thanks to the traffic court gods, and slowed down.
After I blew past the second cop I knew I was done for. He was pulling out of the Police Station no less, and I actually moved into the right lane so he could pull me over. By the grace of every diety in the history of all time, he was messing with his computer and didn't see me. I drove 5 mph under the speed limit the rest of the way to my parents' house.
**I should clarify, when I say "blew past", I'm being rather generous. I might make it sounds like I was driving like Bo Duke in the General Lee, but reality is I drive like an old lady who only drives to church on Sundays. I'm glad we had this little talk.
Anyway, by the time I got to my mom's house, I was feeling like Lady Luck was in my corner. Also, that my mom should do the rest of the driving for the day.
My friend met my mom and I at David's Bridal, and we were set loose to find some dresses. Correction: I was practicing my deep breathing skills, and they were picking through dresses. Have I mentioned that I didn't want to do this?? Yes? Oh. Just checking.
They gathered four or five to look at and we were ushered into a dressing room. I'm so glad my mom was there. Those dresses weighed about 6 metric tons each! Getting in and out of them would have been impossible by myself. Plus, she kept me from freaking out. (Thanks, Mom!!) The first dress was pretty, but also rather plain. I had a feeling that MacGyver was looking for something a little more ostentatious than that. My mom and my friend were teasing me about my whole marshmallow hangup (read: Big, Round, White), until I came out in the second dress. I looked like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man blew up all over me. (I'm meeeellltiiiinnnnngggg!!!) I wasn't even in that one long enough to look at the back of it. It was awful! Feeling rather deflated, I tried on the third dress. It was exquisite. It was more of a champagne color, but there was beading and ruching and all sorts of wonderful things happening. The train was extremely detailed, and it seemed like the kind of thing MacGyver may have had in mind. That went on the maybe pile. The fourth dress was reminiscent of something from an ancient Greek statue. My mom picked it out, and looking at it on the hangar I never would have tried it on, but it was actually really pretty.
The last dress was similar to the first one, but it was more detailed. We decided that while the third dress, the champagne one with detailing was our favorite by far, the last one had a neckline with off the shoulder straps and that was more flattering than the strapless. Because my mom and my friend are such fabulous people, they took photos of me in each of the dresses so I could look back at them later when I wasn't so stressed out and make a decision. Smart girls, those two.
We left the store and went to the craft store. It was like turning up the radio in the car to make the bad engine noise go away. We looked around for some things to use for a fascinator in my hair. If we're going to do the princess thing, we're going to do it all the way, baby! I was feeling itchy to check things off my list, and I almost went and bought the strapless dress that was so pretty, but my mom talked me out of it in that nonverbal way she has, and we ended up going home.
We had planned to spend the rest of the afternoon working out a fascinator for my hair, but instead spent the next three hours scouring the internet for dresses. We eventually found one online that was very similar to the last one I tried on at David's Bridal, but for considerably less money. After some careful consideration, we decided to chance it and buy the dress online. I'm sure 8 year olds in China are making it as we speak. I'm trying not to think about that.
It is due to arrive about the same time as my ring is supposed to arrive. It's also about the time we are scheduled to leave for a week to go camping. I may have to enlist our friends who watch our dogs to babysit a wedding dress as well.
Now, if I just don't eat until October, the dress should still fit and all will be well with the world, right?
Right.
I think I'm going to go do a few more situps.
Toodles!
-AB
P.S. Special thanks to my friend who put up with all my grumpiness that day. You know who you are and I love you! :)
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